I'd Rather Be Blind
by BrownEyedCynic
Summary: This was the 35th day in Tric since she got back, sitting at a barstool with a glass of wine and all of her thoughts of what was and what could have been.


**Disclaimer: I own no parts of One Tree Hill or Etta James' song I'd Rather Be Blind or Cadillac Records…**

"I'D RATHER BE BLIND"

Peyton sat at the bar at Tric for the 35th day straight since she has been back in Tree Hill. You see Peyton left Tree Hill in effort to follow her dreams only to have her one true dream be shattered, the dream to have a family, to have a family with _him,_ to be Mrs. Lucas Scott. But maybe it was her fault.

He showed up three years ago and proposed and she told him to wait, but that is neither here nor there. She hoped against hope, prayed but knew that is was truly over when she saw them together. He said the words, he said he was with someone, that he found someone else but she didn't, she couldn't believe it.

_Something told me  
it was over_

_When I saw you  
and her talking_

The first time she saw them together nearly killed her, it was the first week she had come back, they were at a fair and he paraded her around as if he were trying to prove his point. They would hold hands and steal kisses and act as if they were in their own worlds. And she knew, she knew that in that moment it was over. There was no more Lucas and Peyton.

Her best friend, Brooke Davis bless her heart, tried to console her, but that was the last thing she wanted. What she wanted to do was pretend everything was fine during the day, and wallow in self pity at night. And that is what she had been doing. Every day after everyone else left she would perch herself on the bar stool and sip wine and try not to think about _him,_ but there were days, like tonight that were just too much.

_Something deep  
Down  
In my soul said  
"Cry Girl"  
When I saw you  
and that girl  
Walking out_

You see, today would have been 6 years since they first spoke on River Road to one another and little anniversaries such as these tugged at her heartstrings, more like ripped out her heart but who was paying attention. She has been summoned by afore mentioned best friend to quote, _'crawl out of the whole she has been sitting in'_ and have some fun.

Peyton knew that once Brooke got something in her head, then you were better off conceding then trying to go against her. So, there she sat in the same barstool sipping on the same brand of wine, one hand gripping the glass and the other resting comfortably atop the top of the bar as her friends filtered in.

_I would rather  
I would rather  
Go blind boy  
than to see you  
Walk away  
From me child_

Taking a deep breath she stood and plastered on the same smile she had been for the past weeks, the one that doesn't quite meet the eyes, and made small talk, and thankfully they didn't press as they normally did and let her perch herself back on the barstool as they went back to their conversations.

Yea being an outcast with your own friends really does suck, but she didn't exactly blame them for 'choosing' Lucas over her, after all she was used to it, not that she was bitter or anything.

_So you see  
I love you  
So much  
That I don't want  
To watch you  
Leave me baby_

So she is back to where she was in the first place, sitting on the barstool and it was in that moment that _they,_ Lucas Scott and Lindsey Strauss chose to make their grand entrance and Peyton let out a sigh but made no move to greet them, she simply spun so her back was to the happy couple. She felt his eyes on her, after all it is Lucas Scott but she just, and she couldn't bring herself to look at him.

When the smooth strings of _I'd Rather Be Blind_ sung by Beyonce for some movie. The name of said movie escaped her, she heard Skillz talking about it a few weeks ago did she start to reminisce about the days when they were happy.

The way he would guide her into a room by placing his calloused fingers at the small of her back, oh how she wished he would touch her like that again, if only one more time. She closed her eyes and let the memories take over. All the stolen glances, the secret smiles, and the way he would laugh. She knew she was torturing herself, and she was very aware that she was in a crowded club but it was of no consequence, if she was forced to be here, then she would not, she could not fake like everything was okay. Something had to give.

_Most of all  
I just don't  
I just don't want  
to be free no_

She swayed slightly to the music and she swore that she could feel his arms wrap around her and hold her tightly against his body, encasing her in the famous Lucas Scott hugs. She hadn't gotten a genuine hug from him in nearly 5 years and it pained her like nothing else.

She licked her lips and swore she could taste his lips on hers and it was killing her but she refused to cry, she would be damned if she let him get to her. But damn it, she missed him so much.

_I was just  
I was just  
I was just  
Sitting here  
Thinking  
Of your kisses_

_And your  
Warm embrace  
Yeah_

She opened her eyes and watched as Lucas and Lindsey walked pass her hand in hand and she wished at that moment she hadn't, she prayed that whoever was up there would take away her vision if just for a moment but they didn't, so she was forced to watch, frozen in a trance as he guided her to her seat with a hand on the small of her back and she stood up, needing to slip out unnoticed.

That presented a problem because, well they were all sitting together but she knew if she just left, it would do more harm than good, so she closed her eyes as she drank the rest of her wine and ran a hand through her hair as she made her way over to the table filled with her friends and _him_.

Once at the table she opened her mouth to speak but before she could Lucas spoke. "What happened, why are you crying?"

She looked at him as if he had too heads, "What? I'm not—." She started but when she brought her finger to her cheek, she felt the moisture on her cheeks and sighed, "I'm fine," She said wiping her face with no avail because the tears kept coming. "I am just going to head—out." She said as she walked away, not at all surprised when no one questioned her or followed.

_When  
The reflection  
In the glass  
That I held  
To my lips now  
Baby  
Revealed  
The tears  
That was  
On my face_

When Peyton got to the house she and Brooke shared, she would never truly be home because home was with the man who walked out on her, she immediately downloaded the song she couldn't get out of her head and sat on her bed, and began torturing herself relentlessly and she decided to shower and have a night of self deprecation.

This was the first day in three months that she was home before dawn and she needed to take time for herself so she wasn't surprised when she finally let the sobs take over as she pulled her knees to her chest, her wet hair cascading down her shoulders as she pulled out the only tangible thing she had left of him, the red shirt that he wore the first time they spoke.

_Yeah  
And baby, baby  
I would rather  
Be blind boy  
Than to see you  
Walk away  
See you  
Walk away  
From me_

**A/N: Okay so, this idea just popped into my head from endless listening to the Cadillac Records Soundtrack, amazing movie by the way. But the moment I heard Beyonce sing this song as Etta James, this is the result. I am not too sure how it went but it is 4:20 am and I couldn't go to sleep until wrote this down. Hope you liked it…and I am aware that this didn't have the normal happy Leyton ending I am known for but, hey I am in a dark mood at the moment, so I guess this is art imitating life…isn't that the saying? Okay I am rambling now so I will just stop…R&R**


End file.
